Single In The City: Should One Walk Or Run To Love?

Single In The City — March 1, 2010 at 12:00 — 4 comments  

Clark Kent says: Over the weekend the world received a wake-up call from Mother Nature. While most folks calmly sent out twits wishing for folks prayers in my mind I wonder has the Matrix put a stranglehold on how we go about loving each other? Walk with me in thought by clicking on the jump.

I woke up in my bed with a few text messages and the majority of them said, “Watch CNN. IMMEDGIATELY!” Hopefully Rupert Murdoch won’t be mad at me because I’m not a subscriber to cable, but I went to CNN.com, and watched it on the TV anyways. An 8.8 earthquake struck Chile, a Tsunami warning was issued for Hawaii and stretched all the way to Japan, and California was rumored to be hit with both. A lot of “end of the world” talk was going around and folks seemed genuinely concerned with what was going on outside of America’s Best Dance Crew voting results. I even told the homie D-Wins that the world is changing, not ending. But it still fell like there was a snag on my soul.

Technically, I live alone. My roommates are responsible for carrying their weight so we can stay with shelter, but as I’ve already experienced, they can choose to pick up and leave whenever the wind blows. So, in a sense I can only count on myself to make sure that no true harm befalls me, but I try to keep that as a end-game scenario instead of making it a negative thought. But as I continued to watch Elliot Yamin (who was in Chile at the time) talk about the experience, I wondered if love between two people was being treated more like a race instead of a marathon?

When I used to work at Radio One the majority of time being spent was used on serving the BlackPlanet audience. Anyone black who has never been on BP should stop reading now. The rest who are hip — you know the culture of the site  — it’s the hook-up site. Men and women of all ages, and backgrounds, come from all over to find their Nubian king or queen. A friend of mines who wishes to remain nameless recently was going through it with her live-in boyfriend. Their situation became more serious while their relationship status wasn’t. To put it plainly, if he really liked it, he should’ve put a ring on it. With this new issue, a problem began to become noticeable, and my friend looked to push the issue. She urged that he should take things more seriously, pointed out how them living together is already a sign of where things seemed to be headed, and wanted to know where he stood.

There are certain men who don’t want to be challenged. They only want to move straight-forward, like a bulldozer, and that has a tendency to piss the fairer sex off. She wanted answers and he wasn’t giving any. They fought daily where there used to be love daily. It was apparent that my friend was stressed and didn’t know what to do. So, in hopes of rectifying the situation (and still getting an answer) she surprised him with dinner, some medicine, and plenty o’ McLovin. But almost as if on cue son wanted to know what the hoopla was all about. She broke it down to him that she felt that the relationship was dragging in parts where it should have been accelerated.

Wrong move.

Forced to give an answer, her man gave her an honest one, “We’re together, but not together,” he retorted. Arguments aside, I ask you to look at tone instead of tact. He never once said that they were not in a relationship, he said that we’re not together. It’s like the male version of “Single Ladies” — except there are other liberties men take that women don’t majority do. Living together is one of them. My friend was flustered because in her mind there should be no question as to what the next move is. His hesitation was insulting to her. When she finally brought the situation to my attention, it was understandable to see why she would be upset. Yes, it is true that when anyone hears news it’s always filtered through the personal meter at some point. For him, the news he heard frightened him, but he didn’t run away scared.

Her modus operandi of pressuring him because of all the facts she had on paper didn’t measure to the tale of the tape in his heart. My friend wanted more because more was being asked of her — an understandable assessment. Do I believe there was a party at fault? No. Why? Because of what the man said to my friend, “We’re together, but not together.” I don’t believe his usage was to say that he’s “single” or else he would’ve been on the first thing smoking after hearing what came out of my friend’s mouth. I can’t speak for him though. Growing up I was told that a man gets what he asks for and gives unconditionally, I took that as a memo for self to be in tune with what goes on around me. It’s taken me 27 years to get better aligned with my surroundings and I have to ask:

Are men given the opportunity to lead in a relationship? Or does love have an expiration date?

I asked my friend what she would have done if he decided to run out on her. She almost busted out into tears, “I don’t know what I would do. I’d be hurt. It would take a while for me to get him out of my system.” I wanted to know why she was so cut and dry, why she wouldn’t try and fight, and battle through it. She replied, “Some wars just aren’t worth fighting.” Taken aback it hurt to hear that love could lose so easily because of egos and non-communication, but she wasn’t so far down on the totem pole in his heart to have to worry about becoming a baby mama. Her worry was that she’d become just a woman with a kid and a live-in boyfriend. Unable to love unconditionally because her man failed to speak up and speak out has caught them both in love’s trap making it hard for either one to leave its grasp.

Ladies, is there one who ultimately makes the choice to initiate a relationship? How should one communicate the need to move forward when loving one another? Share your thoughts in the comments section below!

Tags: blackplanet, chile, cnn, dating, elliot yamin, kevin l. clark, recommended posts, relationships, single in the city